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ManKind Program
25 Bellam Blvd.,
Suite 222
San Rafael, CA 94901
(415) 457-6760 |
Each one is a little different; yet, we all
share a common thread. We learned "IT," and we are now unlearning
"IT". Good-bye Mr. BS, hello intimacy!
Thanks MAWS from the Men's Program
A man working on the Inside
Hi guys-
Jail is a horrible place. If you want to live
in fatal peril this place can do it. I just returned from working in
the kitchen and found 6 pieces of mail, 2 from you guys at MAWS. It
just made me cry to realize that someone cares and understands the
constant pain and struggle it is to live with my violence. I miss you
guys very much and can't wait until I return. If it wasn't for MAWS
and you guys, I might have killed myself long ago or even hurt someone
else. I keep to myself, which you may find hard to believe, but
violence and male role belief systems run wild in this place. People
who are going to prison don't care how they act or behave. The ones
who have been to prison or are going walk with the male role belief
system out in front—mean to the bone and act like they don't give a
damn. This is my reality, and what helps me is knowing I'm not going
to die. I choose not to be violent, and I try as much as possible to
give myself relief. Jail pounds at you constantly to try and break
your beliefs and to change you into a violent man. Guards' jaws drop
when they see my charges, and they say they couldn't tell by my
attitude and behavior. Inmates who are willing to recognize their
violence open their ears, but I'm not an expert, I just know the
impact my violence has caused to J. , myself, and others. I have lost
my job, car, possibly career, and have made a conscious decision to go
to a long-term treatment program. I'm not sure when I'll see you guys
next, but I will return as soon as possible.
I'm sad that I violently and brutally beat my
J. and caused great harm to her emotionally, verbally, and physically.
She visits every day, and every day she holds back her tears. The
courts have no mercy, and shouldn't. No one deserves to have their
boundaries crossed without permission. I think often of the people I
have harmed, those I know and those I don't.
I'm happy to have found a group of men who
honestly see the impact of their violence and are truly doing
something to stop their violence.
Love ya, M.
Kind, caring, loving, giving, intimate man
A man in First Stage
Dear Men's Program,
I wanted to let you know that after having
attended only 2 first stage classes of the MAWS Men's Program, I have
found much to my surprise that I am already putting some of the
teachings from the classes into valuable practice at home.
As I mentioned during last week's class, I
found myself in a confrontation with my wife recently. Both of us were
feeling pretty frustrated and angry, the ingredient that led to a
heightened confrontation, which can inevitably lead to violence. In
this kind of situation, I find I either try to "fix" the problem,
withdraw emotionally, or get angry myself. All three responses usually
only serve to increase the furor. This time was different, however.
Without consciously doing so, I heard a voice
in my head saying, "This is your Moment of Fatal Peril.” Initially,
with an almost comical tone to this, I could not fully believe I was
hearing this so automatically, (and I guess I have to own up to a
certain amount of initial skepticism surrounding some of this
process). But consequently, I found my resolve to avoid getting sucked
into this conflict somewhat buoyed by this little voice repeating this
phrase. I have an agreement with my class that I will leave the
situation if things heat up. I'll return when I've cooled down and we
can then discuss this issue then. I then left the room. My partner
accepted this as she broke off the engagement also and did not pursue
me out of the room. A potentially serious confrontation had been
avoided.
It was obvious to me that already after such a
short period of time at the classes my mind has started absorbing some
of the teachings and methods of the MAWS. Men's Program to help
prevent spousal confrontations from getting out of hand. I'm looking
forward to learning more.
Thanks for your continued support.
Sincerely, P.
A man in Second Stage
Dear Men's Program,
It is difficult to express in mere words the
depth and importance of the Men's Program as you present it. Your work
has had a profound impact on my life and is vitally important in our
community. I have two weeks left in Second Stage and can state
unequivocally that the program has given me a new lease on life. I am
eagerly anticipating Third Stage and the opportunity to move forward
in some fashion to advocate the program in the community.
I came to the program as the result of two
events. First, I became aware of the program by seeing an article in
the Sunday Marin Independent Journal sometime in late May or early
June of last year. As a result of the article, I recognized that my
relationship with my wife had elements of verbal violence, but I could
not bring myself to admit that I had a problem or that I needed help.
(The male-role belief system and my hit man were definitely in
control.) Second, on June 6, 1996 I had a serious verbally violent
incident with my wife during which I became physically violent. My
violence did not cross legal boundaries, but it crossed a boundary
that I had set for myself. I came to the next First Stage Class that
was available.
For me, First Stage was a wake up call. I
brought me face to face with the fact that I am a violent man. It
guided me to an awareness of the necessity to take responsibility for
my actions, and it empowered me to acknowledge every act of violence
that I do each day. First Stage also gave me an understanding of and
words to describe feelings, frustrations, and actions that have been a
normal part of my daily life for years. Most importantly, it enabled
me to identify my Hit Man and made me keenly aware that for my life to
work, I would have to wrest control from my Hit Man and claim it for
myself.
Second Stage has been much more difficult for
me. Its concepts are less concrete and more '’touchy-feely.’ While I
grasped the concepts of First Stage in 7 to 9 weeks and spent the
remaining weeks practicing and refining them, I feel it has taken me
until the 14th week to ‘get' Second Stage. What a great
gift to receive! I came to class last night exuberantly, almost
euphorically. I had experienced the joy of completing the Assertion
Cycle while being conscious of the Rescue Triangle and had come to
know my Authentic Self. The amazing part is that I needed to ask you
to name this wonderful feeling. For 13 weeks I had listened to, but
not been able to hear, the meaning of the term Vital Safety. To me,
this is further proof that the content of this program is so rich and
so deep that it truly does require at least 16 weeks in each
stage to assimilate.
I want to thank the Men's Program for guiding
me from that dark place where I lived with my Hit Man, the Righteous,
Avenging Commandment, to the place where I am today. I am now in a
place where I can feel and be the Joyful, Passionate
Creator; my Authentic Self. I want to thank the skilful facilitator
for who so deftly lead my classes. He possesses a rare mixture of firm
control and warm compassion. His ability to provide anecdotal examples
from his own experience as a violent man has been invaluable to me in
relating to the class material and being able to face the realities in
my life.
I am truly excited about, and looking forward
to, Third Stage. Since I was fortunate enough to get a taste of Third
State during the Christmas Holiday schedule shuffling, I have some
idea of what awaits me there. Nevertheless, the most wonderful part of
anticipating Third Stage is that I know that I have no real
appreciation for the profound changes that Third Stage will make in my
life. There is no doubt that of the eight feelings, I am definitely
feeling excited about the future.
Sincerely,
R.
A man in Third stage
To those concerned,
I submit my letter of acknowledgment and thanks
to the program creator, its director, facilitator and any and all the
people working behind the scenes of the MAWS Men's Program who in turn
make this such a wonderful, lasting, and healthy contribution to the
community and society at large.
I find this a difficult task, attempting to put
into words my heartfelt thanks for the growth, support, and
understanding that I have received over the past year in the 3 stages
of this Men's Program.
I was originally referred to the program by a
friend who thought I might find some support for the issues I was
speaking of wanting to change in my life. I had tried many other forms
of self-growth including meditation, seminars, support groups, and
therapy, to name a few. Nothing has supported real lasting change,
which seems to only come from facing an issue head-on.
I am a 31-year-old Marinite with 2 daughters
(14 yrs and 2 yrs) and a third stepson (8 yrs). They are the most
precious things in my life. I have sacrificed a lot to provide for
these children, being a full-time single parent through most of their
lives. They have been a great motivator for change and healing, as I
have not wanted to recreate and pass along to them the problems I
experienced in my own childhood. The point here is that I live to love
and care for these children and would never consciously do anything to
harm them. Yet the physical, verbal, and emotional abuse I suffered
throughout my own childhood seemed to prevent me from securing this
parental ideal. I often found myself in fits of rage, either swearing,
hitting the dog, walking around pissed off, or intimidating those
around me to do as I wish. These were the only means I knew of to help
return to a place where we could again all be happy together.
Clearly these words describing my violence as a
means of creating closeness appear to be that of a mad man, but
actually offer some insight into the frustrating world of a deeply
caring individual. My rants and rages on one level seemed under
control. I thought I was taking care of myself by letting off a little
steam here and there, and that I wasn't doing any "real damage". Or so
I thought.
My girlfriend and mother of my 2-yr.-old had
totally shut down and learned to fear my mood shifts even when times
were good. I saw my stepson separating from his feelings in an effort
to be tougher. One of my 2-yr.-old's first words was "f___", learning
already these insidious forms of getting your way. My 14-year-old,
whom I had developed a bond with as a young single parent, no longer
trusted me or wanted my friendship. My girlfriend moved out in
October, taking with her the two younger kids. If that's not real
damage, I don't know what is.
As a direct result of this Men's Program, I'm
happy to say my life has really turned around. My boy commonly says he
loves me for no reason. I've recreated a trust level where fear
doesn't lurk behind every corner. My relationship with my
ex-girlfriend could not be any more functional and supportive. I have
a great new job without a mean boss breathing down my neck. I'm
learning to love myself regardless of the circumstances of my life,
and for the first time I’m feeling like life's not such a struggle and
can actually work out the way I want.
This letter could go on and on about all the
wonderful attributes of the Men's Program, but for now I'll limit it
to its most obvious: Without the Men's Program and compassionate
competent facilitator of the classes. I'm not sure I would have made
it through some of the more difficult moments. Peter is a shining
light in a dark tunnel, illuminating the path for those who wish to
follow. His no-nonsense approach combined with a "heart on your
sleeve" vulnerability really allowed for the creation of a very clean
space to explore a truer sense of self. I am forever grateful for his
and all your efforts. I look forward to rechanneling this supportive
information in my own expression. Heal on!
Sincerely,
D.
A letter from a Mom.
Dear MAWS Men's Program,
My son, M., is in The Men's Program. I have
seen huge changes in my son's behavior, beliefs, and attitudes over
the course of his participation in it.
Having been in an abusive relationship, I am
aware of the many ways men are trained to view women as ‘less than,’
to expect service from women, and to have authority over women. I am
sensitive to the subtle, and not so subtle, ways many men belittle
women, demean them, and abuse them.
The changes I have observed in M. are in his
willingness to listen to other points of view with both women and men.
I feel he respects those opinions, often when he doesn't share them.
He seems to trust women to make judgments for themselves now, rather
than believing he knows what is best for them. Nor does he blame them
any longer for his feelings.
There is no doubt in my mind that M. is more
accountable regarding his feelings, beliefs, and behaviors. He is
willing to admit he makes mistakes, that he doesn't know something,
that his feelings are because of his thinking, perceptions, and
beliefs, his choices. I am truly amazed at his calm responses, rather
than reactions, to other’s feelings as well.
I see M. focusing on himself, questioning,
learning, coming to know himself. I am delighted with how he shows up
in the world. My ex-husband was also a participant in The Men's
Program. Unlike M, he chose to use the Program information to further
abuse, belittle, and demean me and others. M. has applied it to
himself. Though he offers the information to others, I do not see him
lecturing or forcing it on anyone. I do see him confronting other men,
though less and less aggressively, about their abusive behavior.
M. and I went through many difficult times as
mother and son. Sometimes we didn't like each other very much. Later,
we didn't always like what the other did. He used to call me a "Femi-nazi",
and I was pretty radical at the time, pretty angry at men. We have
both come to a better understanding of the systems that we are
influenced by. We are both more awake, and I love my son's willingness
to give up his male role, much of his "white male privilege," share
his warmth, humanness, principles, and his wonderful sense of humor.
We share an intimacy that is very precious to me. M. has allowed me to
come to know the authentic "son," an absolutely priceless gift. He has
made a safe place for me to share my authentic self as well. I no
longer fear being belittled, shamed, or ignored. He has asked for my
feedback, knowing full well he may not like what I have to say. He has
received it with appreciation and respect. Whether he agrees with it
or not, I don't know, and it doesn't matter. I feel loved, respected,
valued, heard, and seen. What a gift from a man to a woman, son to
mother!
I have heard of his support of other women, to
take charge of their lives, to set boundaries and expect them to be
honored. I have heard of his stance "Unless a woman says, ‘Yes,’ she
means ‘NO.’ Period.” I have observed an enormous change in how M.
"sees" women. He would often "ogle" women as they walked down the
street, evaluating their "parts.” I believe M. now sees women as
people, much more than what they look like. I hear him evaluating
others by his impression of their behaviors and attitudes.
I am so proud of my son. I am grateful to MAWS
for the information it offers to both men and women. I am grateful for
the men in the program, who are committed to growing, learning,
teaching other men, and encouraging women to be authentic. Thank you,
thank you very, very much. And thanks to M for his commitment to his
personal growth and to accountability.
Sincerely,
A Mother
A Professional
Letter from R. Wilson, Dept. of Corrections:
What programs in Corrections show the promise
of a 5.14% recidivism rate?!?
The Men's Program is a program of the Marin
Abused Women's Services (MAWS). It was designed by, and for, men with
domestic violence issues. The Men's Program believes men's violence
and abuse is a learned behavior which is used to enforce men's
expectation of authority over women and expectations of receiving
services from women. The Program is committed to empowering women and
men to challenge these dual assumptions of male-role superiority and
to ending violence.
In the community, the Men's Program is a
multiphase program, which could lead a participant to become a
facilitator. The program is divided into three, sixteen-week intervals
over a period of one year. At San Quentin participants may make a
voluntary contribution to the program in accordance with the
Operations Manual.
Using
the "Manalive" curriculum developed at MAWS, San Quentin Men's Program
has had the first two stages available for inmate participants since
December 1991. Stage I is titled, "I Decide to Stop My Physical
Violence." Stage II is titled, "I Decide to be Assertive Not
Aggressive”
Data extracted from the most recent California
Department of Corrections, CDC, reflects that the current incarcerated
population is comprised of 50.5% returned to custody for parole
violations and 16.8% returned to prison to serve new terms. Certainly
the inmates that attend even one Men's Program class are special in
the sense that they express an interest in improving their lives
enough to sign up and 'check it out.' The data from the study
population reflects some interesting and important trends.
Of the inmates who completed the Men's Program
and subsequently paroled only 5.2% are currently incarcerated and
18.96% have returned at some time. Compare this to the inmates who
attended at least one Men's Program class but did not complete the
program; of these, 25.6% are currently incarcerated and 51.92% have
returned at some time. Combined, of the inmates that had any amount of
exposure to the Men's Program and subsequently paroled, those that
completed the program and have returned to custody at any time
represents 5.14%!!
The Department of Corrections clearly saves
money when inmates' recidivism rate is reduced. The community benefits
by having a safer environment and fewer victims. Departments such as
San Francisco County have found the MAWS Men's Program results to be
effective and have chosen to provide funding to ensure its
availability.
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